>I almost went nuts today, wondering why I bothered with this job. My job is hardluy flash. I don it becuase its convenient and decently paid. But today I had a well-known epiphany, a moment of clarity so obvious and heart felt, it makes me wonder how I hadn’t cried out before. Not matter how much they pay me, its never enough. I’m not happy there. I am bored beyond my capacity to evoke. ( a serious failure in a writer eh?!!)
What I am doing? and why? Well I’m following procedures. There is no other way and in government procedeure is so long winded, the desks can barely hold up the files. I am doing regular work. Pointless tasks. Uncreative, unimportant slights on my dignity. I am making policy decisions for which outcome I don’t care. It’s not healthy for me or the recipient. Poor bastards but I just DON’T care.
Once my heart loosened the taps and I allowed a ludicrous smile to broaden out across my face and shoulders, down my spine to the tips on my soles, I felt clairvoyant. My eyes pervaded all those desperate souls around me, those who smile through their day despite knowing the uselessness of their role.
I didn’t feel like leading a revolution either. Must be post-Thatcher’s Britain where you just look after your own. But I am off, God I am off. My final words after today’s shift, Thank the fucking Lord.
A senior line manager made a comment to my line manager that I’d searched wikipedia about avocados. Al, a young guy near near me asked me to. and why not? Avocados are good for you. Does he know that? What an idiot. Do people not believe in goodness, health, positivity? These idiots sucking the vitality from people. Maybe he should eat more of these apparent delicacies. He looked old and withered. How my soul felt. But he still had the gusto and nerve to question my authority and dignity. *Put any highly insulting word here*
I’ve always been against Mp3s. though mainly when travelling. They pull the life out of inter-action, the whole point of travelling rather than being a tourist. Too many young travellers now skip from place to place like a tour, enacsed in their home world with their Mp3s and mobiles.
But at work, I dissolve into my Mp3. To keep me sane. When Cam generously walked to the station on Saturday to meet me, rather late, he told me he could see me from afar. I was dancing around to my music. Feeling alive, hypnotised by the energy, re-charged and present to face the next few hours of the joy of being.