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Merseyside clubs’ new kits to include permanent black armbands

LIVERPOOL AND Everton have unveiled their hi-tech new shirts for the upcoming season, which will each incorporate a permanent black armband.

At a star-studded launch, an Adidas spokesmen said the new kits had been designed to “reflect the city’s proud tradition of disproportionately prolonged post-death moping,” as Scouse luminaries Sir Paul McCartney, Stig Inge Bjørnebye, and Sinbad from Brookside listened in the audience.

Incorporating revolutionary Perma-Mourn™ technology, the groundbreaking black armbands ensure that players feel exactly the same level of sadness as the average Scouser does on a day-to-day basis.

Speaking at the launch. Everton’s Mikel Arteta said: “Finally I will know the true meaning of what it is to be a Scouser. I think it’s great. Well it’s not great, obviously, it’s a very tragic time and our thoughts are with all of the parents, everywhere, forever.”

The ‘Cilla’, as the black armband is affectionately known to Liverpudlian football fans, was hailed as a great innovation by the head of Liverpool’s Union of Genial Humour. “Most importantly, it’s what Maddie would have wanted,” said the Union leader through his manly tears.

Another unique new feature was unveiled specifically for Steven Gerrard’s kit, a specially-designed microchip implanted into the fabric of the shirt. Every time the midfielder is fouled, a tiny speaker will shout “Justice for the 96!” in the hope that referees will be guilt-tripped into awarding 30 per cent more penalties to the home side at Anfield.

If the new advancements are a success, manufacturers are planning to offer similar technology to the clubs when they build their new stadiums in the city. To transfer the unique atmosphere of the Kop to the new Anfield, Liverpool will fit every seat with a sepia-toned cushion so that fans looking out onto the pitch can remember what it was like when they ruled Europe.

Meanwhile Everton fans will be given cutting edge glasses with their tickets, which aim to replicate watching the Toffees in the Eighties by obliterating all non-Caucasian players from the wearer’s field of vision.

Credit to Si.

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