My friend Jan once remarked that I couldn’t sign another contract here in Qatar as I’d rot away. I knew it was true but failed to heed his advice.
Rotting of course happens from the inside, a hollowing out of all the vitality and worth. It comes from being unhappy, frustrated and angry at your own impotence. I’ve felt it in myself. I simply feel like I’ve lost life mojo. I am not the package (never complete!) I was and am. I’m often assumed a social and optimistic person. But the exuberance has gone. My energy’s been sapped. I’m running on empty and pretending. I’ve lost something good about myself.
I feel doubts there sometimes right now. A nagging, listless feeling. Life’s become a calculation and I’ve lost my sense of humour. I remember speaking to Christine who reminded me how I felt in Korea. Its the same now. This confusion in my head is a weight affecting me physically and mentally. The unhappiness in my soul makes me question who I am, puts me under pressure and stress I need not and am not due. I feel now less capable when I know the opposite is true.
I spoke to my great mate AC on Christmas morning. I informed him how he came up in conversation in Barcelona recently. When Olivia asked how Claudia and I met, she told the story of the home-warming at Dr Luke’s house in 2008. AC arrived with a bottle of red wine after drinking an equal amount at dinner with his brother. He gave that smile I’d seen many times, the smile that told me he was gonna do something silly that night. He did. And he smiled.
But looking back I am envious of that smile. That’s the sort of feeling I remember from times only a year earlier. That knowledge of inevitable turmoil. That confidence in yourself. That ability to look people straight in the eye, energise and comfort them that what is going to happen will be fun and worthwhile.
The view needs to change. The colours I see and people I meet must be more eclectic. Plans are afoot. Happy New Year everyone.