Dan’s Remarkable and Brilliant EPL Predictions (based on one game and a lot of bull shit prejudices)

Arsenal

Yes they blew the first game and it looks like last season again where they lost the season in the first two months. Guess what, it just happened again. They have still yet to focus on the issues of a good scoring striker and a powerhouse in the midfield and will continue to challenge for 3rd place.

Aston Villa

Sherwood is a dickhead who has found his level. I am happy for him. He’ll do a decent job at Villa and I am happy for them. I have a soft spot for them. They’re hardworking and increasingly creative and that will keep them challenging for the top 10 without ever getting there.

Bournemouth

I know very little about these guys and yet I will still say with confidence, they will try hard, have  agreat home win against one of the big teams, beat Spurs at away and get relegated before the end of the season.

Chelsea

What the fuck is Jose going on about with his Dr. Clearly he has exaggerated the issue but probably for his own reasons. She will be gone by Christmas. Chelsea aren’t as good as last year. They dont have the aura. However while they will struggle in the Champion League (relatively) and get knocked out in the quarters, they’ll win the league by 5 points. If they get a striker who can stay fit and score, they’ll dominate again.

Crystal Palace

Alan Fucking Pardew is a good manager. Newcastle fans know it. And he has brought in decent players in Cabaye and held onto some good ones. They will have a good cup run and have no worries in the league, beating United at Old Trafford.

Everton

Martinez has struggled despite inheriting a team with a rock solid defence including some real quality in Jagielka and Coleman and now with some quality going forward in Barkley, Osman and Lukaku. Yet that last name says it all. Lukaku makes ex Exeter City captain Russel Coughlin look hard working (random memory). He has talent but not ethic. Plus he is a dickhead. If Lukaku fires, Everton will finish in the top 6.

Leicester City

Pearson got wrongly fired for having a racist son and being a tool. But mostly he got fired because the Thais in charge have no idea what they are doing. They will bring down the club and started brilliantly by hiring Ranieri, one of the shittest managers of the last 15 years who somehow manages to get new jobs. This is apparently his last. The sense of relief is like you’ve been dying for a piss. Leicester might stay up but it wont be by much.

Liverpool

Rodgers is under pressure after an average last season but ignoring the delusions of grandeur, Liverpool aren’t the team they used to be. They are meant to finish outside the top four. A lot of their buys for the last 2 summers have been baffling. Benteke is a beast but behind him play a squad of averageness. Rodgers is a good coach but his buying policy might get him fired by the end of the season.

Manchester City

Well Pellegrini is a makeweight, mostly because the delusions of an average club thrown tax free money from a despot is now modern football. All dickhead fans long for a murderous regime to come in and give them Champions League football. Man City haven’t improved for two years. Toure is still a fine player. All of the guff said about him by old pros is ridiculous. Aguero is the best striker in the world on his game. Kompany and Hart are overrated. Sterling aint worth that much sterling. They lack cohesion and defence. Of course they will challenge for the league but have a bad March and drop of out the CL and the league race.

Manchester United

Van Gaal is going to struggle this season to finish 4th. The players still aren’t good enough in defence and they still have no idea what they are doing. Van Gaal will blame the players but if the students don’t under the concepts, its the tutor’s fault. Depay is balls, Rooney will get a red in a big game, Smalling is the best of his defenders ironically (Rojo is gash, Phil Jones is Bournemouth), De Gea will rightly leave and United might not finish 4th. That would be the end of so much.

Newcastle United

Ahh is it a new season? Are we optimistic again? Hell yeah. First game of the season showed that Newcastle can look good but also have holes to be exposed by good coaches and pace. So it will be standard season of some glorious wins, amazing escapes and remarkable capitulations. McClaren is average and his recent record is poor but sadly that’s what we deserve under Ashley. I am hopeful for Mitrovic. You know he will get a few goals, a few punch ups, a few drunkens nights and a last minute bullet header to beat the Mackems.

Norwich City

No fucking idea beyond probably will get relegated. How about that for a review?

Southampton

Great team. Great coach. Fantastic purchases and nice style of play. Might struggle in defence this season but much to admire and will challenge for 6th.

Stoke

My fuck they have bought and bought often well. Shaqiri should be a helluva talent. If Hughes can integrate them all, they will try and fail magnificently. Stoke of course, aren’t going anywhere. 10th.

Sunderland

Ahh what a disaster. Terrible start to the season and will remain another season of struggle. They’ve bought terribly. They should just about stay up and Defoe will get 12. Then Dick will retreat back into his pants.

Swansea

Yet another excellent club with good players who will move on next season to bigger things. This will be the end of Gary Monks who is doing well but will fail sooner rather than later. There you go. That’s a prediction for next season. This season they will finish 9th and have a good cup run.

Tottenham

Quiet times at Spurs as Levy presumably realises they are a second rank club who won’t win shit. I like Pinocchio! He can organise a team well but his lack of strikers will see them struggle as their defence won’t be able to handle the pressure. This is the end of the recent optimism as they’ll simmer down to 8th.

Watford

Bought a 100 players and have a good coach. They might just make it and it started well. Of course they will struggle and use the wrong brand of football but they’ll be okay.

West Brom

Pulis is a good manager and has bought well. I like a lot about them despite Pulis’ reputation. I like stadium. I like the nickname, the Baggies and I dont understand anything they say. But then I am not listening. 13th.

West Ham

I loved Bilic in Euro 96. He looked determined and focused alongside Stimac and the other guy. Then in the World Cup 1998, he proved himself to be a dickhead, feigning injury to get Blanc banned form the final. Bellend. However despite struggling relatively, they have decent players and will finish close to the top 10.

Advertisements

When at first it seems bizarre…

…remember it’s about a footballer and it all makes sense.

1. Since his sister’s boyfriend has been charged with assaulting him with a knife and Davenport has been charged with assault of his sister, you can guess what went down. Since the sister’s first child is with a lifer, it all rather adds up to one serious family mess.

West Ham United footballer Calum Davenport has been charged with assault. The former Coventry and Spurs star was stabbed in the legs in an incident at his mother’s home in Kempston in September this year. The 26-year-old, who denies any wrong doing, spent six days in intensive care in Bedford Hospital after the incident. He has been charged with assault causing actual bodily harm on a woman.

In a statement issued by his PR company, Mr Davenport said: “I am deeply shocked and disappointed at the decision that has been made to charge me with assault. I deny any wrong doing and will plead not guilty. For legal reasons I am unable to discuss the matter further at this time.”

Worrell Whitehurst, 25, has appeared in court charged with attacking the central defender as well as his mother, 49-year-old Kim Stupple, in the driveway of her home in Springfield Avenue, in August.

Mr Davenport, a former England under-21 international, underwent emergency surgery at Bedford Hospital for stab wounds to both legs. Doctors had to cut through muscle to repair the damage to his artery.


2. In another story, Marlon King is going down for sexual assault and breaking a girl’s nose because unlike Steven Gerrard, no one knows who he is. This was his defence too. He argued it was a case of mistaken identity. How he aligned that with the CCTV footage, numerous witnesses and his vocal admission that I am Marlon Kingat the scene is ridiculous. He got 18 months.